reloaded
hey girl..i decided to revive the blog once more..well basically i guess i have things that i want to share.haha. well its just cause we have so much church stuff to go that we haven been able to really share and pray and plus we are such bummers at the end of the week(which is really aweseome stuff!!)so i think this would be a good alternative to just fill you in on some of the things that ive been feeling and learning over the past2 plus weeks or so...=]
well i will just give you a summary because ive reached the stage where i feel more at peace and have refreshed my spirit and stufff...=]
basically ive been feeling ultra low about myself as a person. i felt like i was sucha loser and i just couldnt seem to do anything that i wished i could do. i felt a sense of futility(just like what uncle waikong shared in sermon today)everything just crashed for me. i was in a state of complete self pity. however i clearly read in utmost heights that self pity was a sin. i struggled so bad because i just couldnt lift myself out of that hole i created internally. there were sooo many factors that i pointed against myself as a person and i couldnt deal with the thought of having to continue being the way that i am.
call it Gods realness in my life.
right after my paper on friday. i was in a state of hopelessness. i was really battling between giving up engineering and realising that there was nothing else that i could do. the feeling was quite painful.i knew that i lacked the faith that God wanted me to have... i just couldnt bring myself to see anything good that i can do anymore..yeah and its just this feeling of lostness and no way out. i wasnt even looking for it but i found this particular email about jacob and the blessings of brokeness..
The Blessing of Brokenness
Love Worth Finding
Adrian Rogers
"And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a Man with him until the
breaking of the day. And when He saw that He prevailed not against him,
He touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was
out of joint, as He wrestled with him. And He said, Let me go, for the
day breaketh. And he said, I will not let Thee go, except Thou bless me.
And He said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob. And He said,
Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast
thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed. And He blessed him
there." Genesis 32:24-29
We're going to look at an episode in the life of the patriarch, Jacob.
At the time of our story, Jacob was a fugitive and had been running.
He'd been in the school of hard knocks for twenty years. He believed in
God, but he was out of fellowship with Him. However, we see that God did
not love Jacob for what he was, but for what He could make out of him.
Alone With God
Now, God finally had Jacob where He wanted him, alone. It took a while
because Jacob didn't want to be alone. You know when people are running
from God, they don't want to be alone. They don't want to face
themselves, and they don't want to face God.
But verse twenty-four tells us that finally Jacob was alone, and he had
a confrontation with God. I believe with all my heart that the Man Jacob
wrestled with was the pre-incarnate Jesus Christ. He was face to face
with Jesus, and they were in a wrestling match. Now, it wasn't Jacob
wrestling with the Lord, it was the Lord wrestling with Jacob. The Lord
started it, and it could have been over very quickly, but the Lord
wanted Jacob to prevail. He didn't want to overcome him. The Lord was
trying to do something with this man that He loved so much.
Broken By God
Finally, when they had wrestled all night, the angel touched the hollow
of Jacob's thigh and crippled him. Now, when a wrestler's legs are gone,
he can't do anything. This is the strongest muscle for a wrestler. Jacob
was crippled; his final weapon was gone. If all his plans and strength
had failed, at least he could have run; but now, he couldn't even run.
God brought him to the place of utter, absolute, complete brokenness and
dependence.
Blessed By God
The Angel said to this crippled man, "Let me go." Ironically, the word
"Jacob" means "that which grabs, that which holds." Jacob was still
grasping, but this time, for the first time in his life, he got a hold
of the Lord. He said, "Oh God, I need You. God, I will not let you go
except You bless me." God had been waiting to hear those words for so
long, and at that moment, something wonderful took place.
The angel asked Jacob for his name. God knew it, but He wanted Jacob to
confess his name which further meant "liar, cheater, crook, fraud,
schemer, and deceiver." Then, God gave him a new name, Israel, which
means, "a prince of God." He became a prince with God because he finally
came to the end of himself. You see, God wanted to bless Jacob, not hurt
him. God crippled him that he might crown him. God broke him that he
might bless him.
Do you know why many of us are not yet truly blessed? We have not yet
been truly broken. Men throw broken things away, but God never uses
anything until he first breaks it. You'll never show me anybody who has
been or will be mightily used of God who has not been broken. There is
no blessedness without brokenness.
Leaning on God
The rest of his life, Jacob had to use a crutch. This wasn't just
something that could be fixed and put back. He had to have a staff to
lean on. The Bible says in Hebrews 11:21: "By faith Jacob, when he was a
dying, blessed both the sons of Joseph; and worshipped leaning upon the
top of his staff." Here he was 147 years old and still leaning. Jacob
had finally learned to lean. He realized that he was stronger leaning
than he was standing on his own two feet. He worshipped leaning, and
that's the only way you'll ever worship.
and i was just so stunned that it helped me get over the weekend. i knew exactly what it felt to be broken in my own way. because ive felt so low about so many things so many times. i know what it feels like to be helpless .
but God didnt stop there for me, He knew that i needed more help. He placed the sermon exactly where i needed it to be. The Valley of disappointment. i was so teary inside my heart because i felt that God really really knows what ive been struggling with. Not only that, he sent uncle ronnie to share and encourage stuff to help me gain more insight to things and realise and learn more stuff internally. it was beautiful. it was really God touching my heart to tell me that i dont have to fear ,that i need to have bigger and bolder faith, that His ways are higher than mine, that He chooses how He wants to reveal His power.
i gained this new found strength to continue to learn to love myself and at the same time learn more about myself. i think what pastor prayed today was so apt for me. i really want to learn more about myself through this missions trip and really know what doors God is going to open and what He is going to close.
Also, i realised that i look forward to church. i look forward to coming to GBC. i feel so refreshed there. i finally dont wish to go to another place. im feeling so blessed that i can even be in GBC to learn so much. even though there were and there may be difficult periods of times, but it hink that God has been so faithful to GBC and i too must learn how to be faithful to it...=]
ok enough said..thats pretty much how ive been. in conclusion, this week im just going to take time to chew on all that ive learn and internalise it.
if you have time to blog then do so ok!
hope that youve been alright..haven spoken or shared with you in a while...take care and love you
jiam
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